The Secret Room

“EMILY! I am going to work so don’t disturb your Uncle,” shouted Aunt Matilda. I didn’t reply. I live in a giant house with my Aunt and Uncle because my parents disappeared 2 years ago now and they (my Aunt and Uncle) suspiciously inherited the house. I've learnt to remain calm girl, I've got milky brown eyes and wavy soft hair. My Aunt was annoying, always shouting at me, and my Uncle spends most of his life sleeping. I don't have any friends either because I live too far away to get to know anyone. The old, crumbly house has loads of rooms so we have about four big kitchens and I have seven bedrooms and two play rooms (only one has a TV!). I was bored so I went outside to kick the crumbly steps while I thought carefully about what to do. Then I knew! I had found a little bronze key when I was cleaning behind the cupboard and I was pretty sure where it went! When I was younger I liked to kick the wall in the hallway and it always sounded hollow. I was sure I had seen a dip in the shape there (the whole thing was covered in thick paint). I ran quickly to the hall and sure enough it was there. I scraped the paint off. I turned the key... there was a secret passage! I rushed to my room to get my purple torch. Then I went down the ancient passage. It twisted and turned at every cobwebbed step. Then I saw a little round door! What should I do? Should I go back? I thought carefully about turning back, but then I thought that if I wanted to be a adventurer this mite be my only chance so I opened the door. I went in to the room. Sharp and piercingly loud, a blood curdling howl filled my ears. I turned to run, but then the door slammed shut! I turned around so slowly that I didn’t really move. There was a glow, then it happened. I couldn’t really see him, all I could do was SCREAM... 


Comments that people have made about this blog post

Comment 1 Comment by Mr Herring on 15 Feb 12 at 12:19pm | Quote this comment
Hi Lauren, well done on getting your story posted on the blog - I really like the idea! However, it needs to be at least 400 words long. Can you edit it and reach this target please - all you need to do is include a bit more description. For example, tell me about what the aunt and uncle look like, describe the passage and the secret room (using different senses) - maybe even use some of our sentence starters that we've been working on (adjectives, adverbs, prepositional phrases)?
Comment 2 Comment by Mr Ryan on 15 Feb 12 at 3:18pm | Quote this comment
Great first 'stab', Lauren - I like this! Adding some more detail about the senses (smell, touch, taste, temperature etc) when in the passageway would be really good just to build up some suspense and tension before the roller coaster ride towards your ending.

I would 'tickle pink' the use of short, sharp sentences towards the end of your story, as well as the variety of sentence openers ("Sharp and piercingly loud..." etc).

I look forward to reading the finished story once you've made the final tweaks to it.

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