The Vampire of O'Daily

It was only when I was walking home through the dancing shadows I came across him, leaning casually against the cobbled cracking wall. “I was told I would find you here,” his voice had broken since I last met him, “What, after 9,000 years, you thought I had stopped looking?” I said nothing and just stared at him blankly before turning my head away. “Your little friends can’t save you now, can they? You’re on your own.” I didn’t even try turning back; his men would be on me in an instant. So, for now, I was practically, well... dead.

I don’t know how it happened or why I did it, but , not daring to look back, I found myself running franticly towards the woods. Why had I done that? It was surely going to make matters worse, even get me killed, but my legs suddenly started running. I turned around, a shiver of terror went quivering down my spine. They were behind me, I turned again... they had surrounded me. I felt so stupid, how could I let him discover me again? But, out of the blue, one of his men dropped his gun, and, with a look of outstanding terror on his pale white face, he ran back to his Land Rover, and drove off, leaving his men behind. “Hey!” he boomed (I won't dare use his name), “I didn’t pay you to run off, like a scaredy-cat!” But then,  another frightened  man dropped his gun and ran after the Land Rover, then another, then another, and pretty soon all of them were running as fast as they could in the direction of the dusty car. 'Why had they just run off?' I thought to myself, but then I realized that they had seen something I hadn’t, and with one turn to face the gloomy bushes behind me, I found out why. Lurking behind me was a girl, her curly blood-red hair wafting in the breeze. At first I thought it was a normal girl, but looking more closely I saw red eyes, sharp pointed teeth and worst of all, she looked as if she was hungry, hungry for blood. A vampire stood behind me, and with one flick of her hair made an enormous leap, her teeth bearing, for my exposed neck...

I woke with a start, and sitting up, I thought it was all a dream. However, that theory was broken when she spoke, “Um...sorry... I... I was thirsty... and you know when you’re thirsty…” Her speech trailed off as if she was walking away into the woods, but she was sat on the nearest tree stump, looking at me. “Hang on a minute... Dani? Is that you? Yes it is you! Aaaaagh! I had to bite my best friend didn’t I, it’s always the people I love!” I realized at that moment that I remembered her face, I knew it from somewhere...

I hope you like it. Please leave your comments!

Comments that people have made about this blog post

Comment 1 Comment by Mr Herring on 11 Feb 12 at 12:27pm | Quote this comment
Lauren, I really like the way you introduce the vampire - 'lurking behind me... her curly blood red hair wafting in the breeze' and the way she makes an 'enormous leap, her teeth baring...'

However, just a small 'growing green': you have used the word 'suddenly' at least 3 times. I wonder if you could edit and replace a couple of them?
Comment 2 Comment by Mr Ryan on 11 Feb 12 at 1:12pm | Quote this comment
Quick tip:
In that instant,
All of a sudden,
Out of nowhere,
Completely out of the blue,
In the very next instant,
A split second later,

...are a few examples of connective phrases that could be substituted for the use of the connective 'suddenly'.

This a good story, Lauren. I'm very impressed by your narrative style and think I could have a guess at the genre of book you enjoy reading in your spare time! It's clearly had a positive influence on your personal style. Keep up the creative writing.
Comment 3 Comment by Hannah D on 12 Feb 12 at 7:17pm | Quote this comment
Wow this is excellent
Comment 4 Comment by Sarah L on 13 Feb 12 at 4:21pm | Quote this comment
Well done Lauren! :lol: I really like the way you described everything - 'cobbled cracking wall' and 'a shiver of terror went quivering down my spine'. You ended it really well, leaving questions in the reader's head (Who is that guy who was trying to get you? And how did you know that girl/vampire?) and making them want to read more!
Comment 5 Comment by Esther B on 18 Feb 12 at 6:30pm | Quote this comment
Wow it's great lauren! I love all your powerful adverbs and It kept me gripped all the way through :lol:

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