The Final Mission

This is my try for the Radio 2 500 word story competition:

The atmosphere was unusually tense as we approached the bolted iron doors at the head of the mansion, belonging to the millionaire gangster who was to be our final target.
“Move out!” I heard our overlord command into my headset. Silently, one of my crew stripped the gate of its heavy-duty padlock. The gate opened with a loud ‘creak!’ To my relief we were not heard. Once we were all inside the dark compound we set to work; one half was on watch with sniper rifles, in case of any un-expected visitors or bodyguards. The other was set to climb the sides of the house using grappling hooks. I, luckily, was put with the easy job of scouting with my sniper. The wait was intensely slow, but as soon as my fellow crew had scaled the building we were on! Cautiously, we edged out of our tree and moved behind the polished, marble pillars, waiting for our signal from the overlord to enter the newly renovated mansion. Once we were inside we set to work, sneaking around the house, identifying all the rooms and disabling any security cameras that we found using our crowbars. Meanwhile, our other half were set to tracking down the highly trained guards and killing our target. Suddenly, I heard one of my crew stepping right into the gangster’s bedroom; “Bingo!” I heard him whisper into his mouthpiece. But as soon as he said it, I knew something was wrong. I heard shouting from upstairs; but it wasn’t just from my team, the gangster had pressed an alarm button and the security guards had been alerted. “Fall back, FALL BACK!” I heard the overlord yell. But just as he said this a group of armed guards had turned the corner, shooting wildly towards my team-mates. As soon as the guards had begun it was all over - my team-mates were left lying on the floor above us, dead. Now the guards were coming for us, but this time we were ready, we’d set up barricades and brought out our pistols ready to kill. I could feel a bead of sweat trickle off the end of my nose but I had to ignore it. As soon as the bodyguards turned the corner we fired; they were all left dead like my crew. "Just as they deserved,” I thought. Now we had the final challenge - it was time to kill the gangster.
“Alpha team, come in,” I heard the overlord say.
“We’re alive, at least” I heard our leader answer. By now I could feel a fountain of sweat trickling down my whole body. “Let’s go get us a gangster head!” our leader shouted. Suddenly from around the corner we heard a shout and gunfire, and…

If you like what I've written so far, or have written your own, please comment...

Comments that people have made about this blog post

Comment 1 Comment by Mr Herring on 06 Feb 12 at 3:44pm | Quote this comment
Simon, well done on a really good piece of writing - you definitely have the potential to write a great spy thriller! I wonder how long you will keep us in suspense as we wait to find out what happened next?!
Comment 2 Comment by Mr Ryan on 06 Feb 12 at 4:41pm | Quote this comment
Oh, Simon! That was mean: leaving us on that cliffhanger! Impressive story writing and some excellent use of higher order punctuation. I'm with Mr Herring - when will we get to read the rest? ;-)
Comment 3 Comment by Simon A on 08 Feb 12 at 8:16pm | Quote this comment
Probably never because that's how it ends, so, sorry.

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